I need Pepper Spray :(

Police Off Duty Pepper Spray

Police Off Duty Pepper Spray

Allright this is what happened.

Last night I rode to office on my bike and sped into the basement parking lot at 10.00pm. It was deserted as usual with a few lights throwing a halo around themselves.

I parked and slung my bag over my shoulder and plucked up the current book I was reading(Jonathan Kellerman) from the rear compartment.

I turned around and the lights went out. Pitch black . Taking a deep breath I took a step forward and all of a sudden a mob of shadows yelling indistinct stuff rushed me from the far end… I froze and then executed the best defensive technique in Navy SEALs history. I chucked my Jonathan Kellerman at em.

They were closing ground fast “F**k! I’ve gotto return that book”, the biggest shadow was in the lead!

“Jesus Christ!” I let out a shriek and swung my bag at the nearest shadow.

I guess the Lord heard me, coz “Aaaargh” I heard someone yell. Contact!

Someone threw a lot of light in my face and I froze, blinded. Hell, if I was going down I was taking those bastards with me; I swung with all my might again and sprayed deodorant in their eyes…

“STOP, STOP!! MADAM SORRIIIIIEEEEEE”, “Arrrgggggghhh”

The lights came on and I saw a bunch of men AND women (huh?) a few of them still thrashing around from the deodorant in their eyes and nursing battle wounds… The mob scattered and a few stayed behind.

“We thought you were someone else…” said someone from the midst of the motley crew.

A wimpy mole faced dude waved a bunch of candles in my face and abruptly backed off when I raised my bag again.

“Surprise!” another guy yelled smiling into the flashlight, (although the basement lights were back) probably hoping I’d take a cue from his Broadway acting skills.

I stuck the bottle of deodorant in my bag and turned squared my shoulders to give them a piece of my mind. I’ve never heard of such a f****d up thing in my life!They had surprised the wrong person.

“Sorry”, “Really sorry”, “Didn’t know”, “our mistake”

“You ok?”

“Here is your book”

“Give me that!” I grabbed the book, my voice ringing strange in my ears fuming at the freak of nature staring at my breasts. “AND I’M UP HERE” I screamed knocking the book against my forehead for emphasis. Oh screw this, I threw the book down and made a fist, I was knock this f****r out with a sucker punch.

“I’m sorry we give you fright” said the mime guy, in the split second that my attention wavered, the breast-starer had scurried away.

“I’m not sorry I flip you the b**d” and I did. They drew in a collective breath the candle waver was looking like he’d seen the devil. The Mr.Broadway gingerly picked up my book and laid it on the seat of my bike and backed up.

I felt like a Salem Witch, only if they came any closer I’d… well, bludgeon them to death with my hand bag and throw the book at them again?

I was going to walk away like a lady and throw up in the bathroom.and my mamma proud. her little girl don’t break mean boys’ noses no more. (I’ve broken very few of those by the way. I prefer a kick in the whoo-hooies or compasses)

Walking away, realization hit me, I had no way of protecting myself. I need pepper spray, maybe a taser so I can zap em in d ass and a gun.

Maybe the gun is a long shot, but I do need pepper spray.

Sigh!

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41 comments

  1. Scary… not those blubbering morons… but you…

    And you need to be thankful they did not try and smash cake on your face…

    You don’t need a pepper spray… you would probably do better with a gurkha knife and a machine gun… 🙂

    Jokes apart…nicely written…

  2. Suda: There’s a lot you don’t know about us gals! If you only knew!! 🙂

    Nikhil: Far from it! Carrot top can never measure up to Big G! 😉

    Raj: What’s an on-duty spray?

    Suda: Happens to the best of us!

  3. Nikhil: thats aapro Arrrrch.. she outdoes herself once in a while.. well of late. a little more than before.. she is actually bordering a writer

    Arrrch: 😛 😛

  4. Amit: She is living a “good” life.. which planet?? in which planet would such insane thngs be called “living a good life”???

    Archie: multi-purpose aromatherapy for you and heat therapy for imprudent nutcases..

  5. Amit – True! Just livin the good life! 🙂

    Valerine – You said it! I’m hoping to buy pepper spray in the city. Gotto see where I can find it.

  6. Vishesh – Man, I’m serious! I’d pop one in your shoulder just to let you know how serious I am!

    Raj – Huh? Like a blowtorch you mean?

    Afrobhen – ROFL! I’ve considered it… But they are too heavy and don’t inflict as much pain as a taser!

  7. Hey self defense is v important these days…….And it is actually great that you could scare those roudies……Well pepper spray is a good self defense weapon……..God it will give them a ride to hell and back!

  8. I enjoyed this. Scented Crime Detection – perhaps you could suggest it to the Kellermans.
    If you don’t get a taser, I suggest reading heavier books. Perhaps start with Ulysses and work your way up

  9. I think my lighter holds a much better chance along with the deo.. Multipurpose.. come out smelling like.. roses or lillies or whatever it is thats your fav.. or light up a ciggie and come out smelling smoke.. rest of the time there nothing to pin you down as a Dangerous.. ummm ahh.. cant think of what to put there..

  10. Raj: Hey shusshhhhhh :p

    Alan, Thank you!
    I think they choose between talking and wetting the pants.

    I’m still working on the look, I still have to figure a few things out!

  11. KEEP A FEW MORE CANS OF DEODORANTS READY. U CAN USE THEM AS DEODORANTS AND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. LEARN KARATE .
    BTW WHAT IS THE MEANING OF A RECONDITE SCRIBE

  12. ummm.. not having pepper spray at hand.. another option..
    might have helped if you had a lighter.. would have lit up the place, scroched some hair, given them all a fright of their lives.. had then running like they never thought they could.

    wonder if anybody will pick on these ideas..

    1. might have helped if you had a lighter

      Strange the way a man’s mind works… TK suggested the same thing when I told him about it! 😛

      I’ll remember to use that “makeshift_blow_torch_technique” next time around!

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