Allright this is what happened.
Last night I rode to office on my bike and sped into the basement parking lot at 10.00pm. It was deserted as usual with a few lights throwing a halo around themselves.
I parked and slung my bag over my shoulder and plucked up the current book I was reading(Jonathan Kellerman) from the rear compartment.
I turned around and the lights went out. Pitch black . Taking a deep breath I took a step forward and all of a sudden a mob of shadows yelling indistinct stuff rushed me from the far end… I froze and then executed the best defensive technique in Navy SEALs history. I chucked my Jonathan Kellerman at em.
They were closing ground fast “F**k! I’ve gotto return that book”, the biggest shadow was in the lead!
“Jesus Christ!” I let out a shriek and swung my bag at the nearest shadow.
I guess the Lord heard me, coz “Aaaargh” I heard someone yell. Contact!
Someone threw a lot of light in my face and I froze, blinded. Hell, if I was going down I was taking those bastards with me; I swung with all my might again and sprayed deodorant in their eyes…
“STOP, STOP!! MADAM SORRIIIIIEEEEEE”, “Arrrgggggghhh”
The lights came on and I saw a bunch of men AND women (huh?) a few of them still thrashing around from the deodorant in their eyes and nursing battle wounds… The mob scattered and a few stayed behind.
“We thought you were someone else…” said someone from the midst of the motley crew.
A wimpy mole faced dude waved a bunch of candles in my face and abruptly backed off when I raised my bag again.
“Surprise!” another guy yelled smiling into the flashlight, (although the basement lights were back) probably hoping I’d take a cue from his Broadway acting skills.
I stuck the bottle of deodorant in my bag and turned squared my shoulders to give them a piece of my mind. I’ve never heard of such a f****d up thing in my life!They had surprised the wrong person.
“Sorry”, “Really sorry”, “Didn’t know”, “our mistake”
“Here is your book”
“Give me that!” I grabbed the book, my voice ringing strange in my ears fuming at the freak of nature staring at my breasts. “AND I’M UP HERE” I screamed knocking the book against my forehead for emphasis. Oh screw this, I threw the book down and made a fist, I was knock this f****r out with a sucker punch.
“I’m sorry we give you fright” said the mime guy, in the split second that my attention wavered, the breast-starer had scurried away.
“I’m not sorry I flip you the b**d” and I did. They drew in a collective breath the candle waver was looking like he’d seen the devil. The Mr.Broadway gingerly picked up my book and laid it on the seat of my bike and backed up.
I felt like a Salem Witch, only if they came any closer I’d… well, bludgeon them to death with my hand bag and throw the book at them again?
I was going to walk away like a lady and throw up in the bathroom.and my mamma proud. her little girl don’t break mean boys’ noses no more. (I’ve broken very few of those by the way. I prefer a kick in the whoo-hooies or compasses)
Walking away, realization hit me, I had no way of protecting myself. I need pepper spray, maybe a taser so I can zap em in d ass and a gun.
Maybe the gun is a long shot, but I do need pepper spray.